"Crying for the Light": An Exert

[Extract from "Crying for the Light: Bible readings and reflections for living with depression," a book by Veronica Zundel. Veronica is a member of Wood Green Mennonite Church. "Crying for the Light" was published February 2008 by Bible Reading Fellowship and is available from Metanoia Book Service; extract used with the author's permission.]

To say…to [a depressed] person, ‘Just have faith’ is a peculiar form of mental and spiritual cruelty. To say ‘if we had more faith you wouldn’t have got depressed’ is even worse. A person with depression can’t muster faith as defined by this sort of remark. And Christians get depression just as Christians get flu or repetitive strain injury, because depression is an illness, not an attack from the devil.

It’s very easy to refute from the Bible, the idea that the person of faith will always have an easy life and will never encounter any suffering. You have only to read the book of Psalms, or Job, or indeed the story of Jesus’ own life, or that of his first followers. Suffering is an intrinsic part of life, and one would hardly expect God to exempt those who follow him (what would you think of a God who allowed only the Christians to survive an earthquake, for example?).

Christians will encounter the everyday obstacles, griefs and losses of life just like anyone else. Some will also suffer persecution directly because of their faith. The difference, perhaps, for us is that we see our suffering as having a purpose and even a redemptive value: ‘Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that is taking place among you...but rejoice insofar as you are sharing Christ’s sufferings, so that you may also be glad and shout for joy when his glory is revealed’ (1 Peter 4:12 -- 13). It’s as though we, like Jesus, have to go through suffering in order to experience resurrection joy. Of course, at the time we are experiencing the suffering, it is not easy to catch a glimpse of the joy ahead, or even believe in it!

What, then, if you are a Christian and you have depression, and you don’t want to lose your faith because of it?

I think there are a number of practical things we can do to sustain some sort of faith in the midst of the Slough of Despond (as The Pilgrim’s Progress defines depression).

First, avoid any church where people peddle easy solutions for depression, especially if these false cures are marketed as biblical. As a song by the late and recently rediscovered Nick Drake puts it, ‘Time has told me there’s really no way of ending your troubles with things you can say’.

Try to find a church where depression is accepted, seen as an illness, and where a depressed person is not seen as an outcast or a freeloader. Or at least, one or two people in your church who tell it like it is.

If you can’t find a church like this, and your own church just makes you feel worse, then don’t go to church--use an online prayer site like Sacred Space (www.sacredspace.ie), or some other programme of prayer. There is really no point in going to church just to be made to feel your faith is inadequate. Maybe when you’re better, it will change, or you will find somewhere more accepting.

Second, ignore all voices that say ‘You don’t need medical care, you just need prayer for healing’. I bet they wouldn’t say that if you had Ebola or Lassa fever! Get to the doctor, take medication if it’s recommended, find a therapist. The amount of your faith is not measured by how little you use help based on medical science!

Third, examine your image of God, and where you got it from. A Christian therapist (if you can get one) or a spiritual director, or even some wise spiritual reading (such as Gerard Hughes’ God of Surprises) can be a help here. Is your God a big ogre whose main occupation is waiting to catch you out in a sin? Or a distant God who isn’t really interested in the details of our daily lives? Or even a male, stiff upper lip God who is a little embarrassed when women (or men) show too much emotion?

If this is the case, where can you find and foster a better image of God? The Bible is a possibility, since there are countless places where God is portrayed in more compassionate and sensitive terms--but you have to learn to read the Bible for yourself and not through others’ spectacles. Finding Christian people who seem to know a more loving God, can also help. However before you can internalise that, in Adrian Plass’s words, ‘God is nice and he likes us’, you may need to yell some very rude words at the false, angry or nitpicking God you have been carrying about with you. The real God won’t mind this at all, since that nasty God is an idol, and the Bible is full of rudeness to idols.

Another way the Bible can be of help is that there are innumerable instances in the Bible of people despairing, losing sight of God, crying out in pain, in fact feeling just like we do when we are depressed. If you get to know them, you will probably also find a number of people around you are also struggling, or have struggled, with emotional problems. Try to find the ones who won’t say ‘But since I became a Christian it’s all been wonderful!’--those who do are the ones to avoid.

If all this sounds like a simple prescription for an easy way to hang on to God, I don’t mean it that way. Going through depression, especially if it’s chronic and long term, is like going through Hell, and in Hell it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to believe in God. Sometimes we will feel as if we are merely hanging on to God by our fingernails; sometimes as if we’ve already let go and are plummeting down the cliff into the darkness of the abyss.

The most important thing to tell ourselves over and over, when it’s like this, is that it is not our fault. It is not because we are bad people or have failed to practice spiritual disciplines that we are depressed, or suffering from doubts. Depression is an illness, and because it is one that attacks the core of our personality, it also attacks the core of our faith.

There may be times when we have to cry not only ‘Lord I believe, help my unbelief’, but also ‘Lord, I don’t believe, help me to believe’. There may be times when we have to let the faith of others carry us, like the paralysed man whose friends lowered him through the roof to see Jesus. The relationship of faith and mental health is a complex and varying one, and there are no easy answers. The best you can say is, faith and depression are not mutually exclusive. They can co-exist, and for some people, they have to.

Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Blessed are those who have not seen, and yet believe’. I think he was speaking not only about believers who came later and would not see him in the flesh. I think he also meant those for whom the journey of faith appears to be a journey totally in the dark, without ever seeing any miracles or any seeming harvest, or even more than a glimpse of the destination. Blessed are you when you are afraid, lonely, discouraged, despairing, bitter, cynical, self-hating--and yet believe. That shows true strength and courage.

He also said ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted’. In spite of everything, I choose to hold on to that hope.